


Pay Per View

by heartsdesire456



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2012-06-28
Packaged: 2017-11-08 17:56:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/445906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashley is a lesbian who is curious about straight sex and Tommy decides he's a shitty teacher, therefore the solution is to watch pay per view porn at the hotel... on Adam's room bill. </p><p>(Seriously, this fic is really short and just humor, not much substance)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pay Per View

**Author's Note:**

> Basically this fic has no point, idk WHERE it came from in my brain, but it has some really funny Tommy-is-a-shit moments.

Adam answered his door, still toweling his hair to keep the water from dripping onto his tee shirt, only to frown when Tommy and Ashley burst in, clearly with a purpose in mind. “Um, what are you doing?” he asked, following them to his hotel bed, frowning when they both jumped on it and Tommy grabbed the remote. “No offense, but what if I didn’t want to hang?”

“Tough titty, you get pay per view comped, we don’t,” Ashley said and Adam’s mine spun.

“Wait… why do you want hotel pay per view?” he asked uneasily, taking the towel back to the bathroom before coming out, only to squeak when he saw Tommy was scrolling through the porn section. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” he asked, horrified.

Tommy snickered. “Chill out, Adam. You can cover your eyes and ears and go on twitter or something. Nothing freaky’s gonna happen, Ashley just wanted to know what straight sex is like and I was having trouble explaining and she said my diagrams looked like Knights fighting instead of people fucking.”

Adam just blinked. “And why does Ashley want to know about straight sex? More importantly, why are you explaining it to her instead of just telling her to google it?” He frowned. “Or better, why don’t you understand sex, are you a virgin?!” he asked Ashley, who burst out laughing.

Tommy just snorted. “She’s a lesbian, Adam,” he said and Adam hummed as he crawled onto the bed, settling against the pillows as Ashley lounged on the end and Tommy sat next to her. Tommy smirked. “You didn’t know that, did you?”

Adam sighed, cheeks coloring. “I have the worst gaydar ever to be a fabulous gay boy,” he said, pouting.

Ashley snickered. “Totally a lesbian. Like… so lesbian I’ve never actually stopped to wonder about the logistics of straight sex more than ‘penis goes into vagina’ and that somewhere along the way it can produce a baby. Seriously, sex ed was more aimed towards the biology of reproduction and ‘condoms are your friend, let me demonstrate with horrible photos of super!herpes rotting off a dude’s dick!’ and that didn’t help make me WANT to hear about penis into vagina sex.” She shrugged. “And I’m preeeety sure that’s just the basic idea, I’m more interested in how it works in contrast to lesbian sex.”

“Oh hey, here we go, this one sounds pretty straightforward and vanilla,” Tommy said, choosing one.

Adam shook his head. “Right, I’m reading, if I look up and this has somehow shifted from visual education to demonstration, I’m firing you both and killing myself,” he informed them.

Ashley snorted. “First off Tommy is a boy- EW- and second, I don’t cheat and I have a girlfriend,” she said and Adam smiled.

“Awww, you do? I didn’t know that!”

Tommy groaned. “You are so stupid, Adam. Seriously? You don’t see her sending sappy text messages and going all googly eyed? Apparently they’ve been together a year now and they’re still gross and sappy.”

Ashley snorted. “I’ve never had a relationship make it to a year before. Pretty sure this one’s a keeper, so I’m still stuck on the ‘holy shit, I love her’ thing. It isn’t sappy, it’s grateful she hasn’t left my ass.”

Adam smiled. “I remember that feeling,” he said and Tommy sent him a sympathetic smile as Adam ducked behind his book, phasing out the porno music intro starting up.

A few minutes later, however, Adam’s attention was dragged away again by Tommy’s explanation of something. “It’s not my thing, but I can see the appeal of toes.”

Adam lowered his book, only to cringe when he saw a toe going somewhere toes _were not_ meant to go. “Ewwwww,” he said and Tommy glanced back.

“What? You’ve never had a dude with a foot fetish?” he asked and Adam shot him a horrified look.

“Ew, I’ve heard of dude’s doing… creepy foot stuff, but… I didn’t really give thought to it!” he said. He put his book down and crawled forward some, staring in horror as the girl then licked the guy’s foot. “Oh my God, I thought you said ‘basically vanilla’?!” he asked, and Tommy laughed.

“Well, I meant no gang bangs or bondage and shit. There isn’t exactly a lot of decent porn that’s just straight and to the point sex,” he said, shrugging. “And this isn’t Google, I can’t just search whatever I want. That was my original idea, but this hotel’s wifi is shit.”

Ashley cringed. “What is the point with smacking his dick against her cheek? I mean… really? Who does that in real life?” she asked and Tommy chuckled.

“I’m sure somebody does, but I don’t really see an appeal either. I figure it’s just a porn thing. Like… ‘oh look at my dick a little longer before I stick it in her’ or something,” he said, shrugging.

Adam cringed. “I’ve seen that a lot in the porn I watch. It makes no sense really. Like… I know I’m a vanilla guy but it has no _point_. It isn’t hot or something. And it isn’t like it wouldn’t be nicer to just go ahead and let him suck your dick, you know?” he said and Ashley shot him a look. “What?”

“You’re vanilla?” she asked skeptically.

Tommy snickered into his hands. “He swears he is, and I’m not curious enough to ask an ex or something, but I can’t imagine it,” he said, giving Adam an apologetic look. “I know it was for an act, but the way you snatched me around first tour? Sooo not vanilla.”

Ashley shrugged. “Maybe there’s a different idea of what is and isn’t vanilla between gay guys? I wouldn’t know, but it would seem men would be more into kinky shit than women on average.” She smirked. “Although that isn’t to say chicks can’t be kinky. I dated this girl in high school that liked to play with ice and hot wax-“

“Whoaaaa!” Adam said, covering his ears. “No lesbian kinky talk please!”

Tommy smiled and patted Adam’s shoulder as he looked at Ashley’s disbelieving face. “The fact we’re getting Adam to be in a room with a naked girl on the screen is because the guy is really hot too. Adam’s actually afraid of vaginas-“

“I’m NOT it’s just that I don’t like girls AT ALL!” Adam whined. “The fact I will kiss girls and touch boobs without running like Isaac does when he sees a spider is a miracle.”

Ashley chuckled. “Well, I’m into girls the same way but I’m not terrified of dicks,” she said and Tommy sat up straight.

“Actually, I read an article that says women often react to any sexual imagery, even if not their preferred situation, but men are a lot less likely to do the same. So like… a straight chick would totally get off to lesbian porn, but a straight guy isn’t likely to be into gay porn,” he explained.

Adam hummed. “I can see that. Although you’d think the stigma about men being sex-fiends would translate to the opposite.”

Ashley snorted. “I’m shocked dude’s even enjoy sex that much,” she said, nodding at the screen. “Seriously, that dude has been getting his dick sucked and fucking that chick for twenty minutes without any cuts to suggest they took a break and edited this together. Seriously? Twenty minutes without an orgasm?” she asked, looking at them skeptically.

Adam raised an eyebrow. “Well, yeah. Generally the idea is to last a pretty good while unless you’re going for a quickie. I mean, you know, some dudes don’t have the stamina, but I thought the idea was to go for a while?”

Tommy smirked. “You have no idea what sex with women is like, do you?” he asked Adam, who shrugged.

“Just that a lot of chicks complain about dude’s jumping the gun. Why?” he asked with a frown.

Tommy snorted. “Okay, yes that does happen, but if you’re good, you can get a chick off a few times in one round,” he said and Adam blinked.

“For real? Like… I’ve heard the whole ‘no recovery time’ thing for chicks, but… _really_?” he asked and Ashley laughed.

“Oh hell yeah, dude. Like… hell, it may be fun to stretch it out some, but without going into detail, give me and my girlfriend forty-five minutes and you’re talking… hell, between the two of us around eight to ten orgasms,” she said and Adam’s jaw dropped.

“SERIOUSLY?!” he asked and Tommy eyed her.

“Daaaamn, really? I felt like a man the time I got this chick off three times!” he said and Ashley snickered.

“I don’t know, I’m sure a lot of chicks aren’t as easy as we are,” she said and Adam cringed.

“I really didn’t need to know how easy it is for my friend to have an orgasm.” He shook his head. “Well damn. Lesbians sound like they have pretty killer sex lives,” he said to Tommy, who nodded.

“Probably tradeoff for having to deal with two women in one relationship- Ow!” he whined as Adam slapped him on the arm.

“That is sexist, TommyJoe,” he chastised.

“I was joking! Hell I love girls!” Tommy said. “Too many straight guys get all aggressive, a lot of gay guys are _insanely_ bitchy, and then all my friends who are girls are really sweet and stuff. I’m sure there’s just as many mean and bitchy ones in every gender or sexuality configuration, but I’ve always got along better with girls. It’s amazing I’m not just a lesbian with a dick,” he joked and Ashley snickered.

“You’re pretty like one of us,” she said making him bat his eyelashes at her. 

Adam laughed. “I’m the opposite. I’ve always got along better with straight guys, they just aren’t as okay with me when I give in to my overly emotional side. They tell me I’m like their moms,” he said, huffing. 

Ashley grinned. “I can see that. You totally told Tommy to wear a jacket the other day and then fussed over him not having a scarf because you were convinced he would catch his death,” she accused and Tommy grinned at Adam.

“You weren’t there, Ash, but I nearly froze to death once. Adam totally is justified there,” he said and Adam glared.

“His skinny little ass went out in the snow in short sleeves. SHORT SLEEVES!” he cried, only to glance at the screen and have his jaw drop. “Did that dude just rub his dick in her hair?!”

Tommy frowned then made a face. “Ew, okay yeah, that’s not normal,” he said to Ashley, who cringed.

“Pretty sure he just came in her ear,” she said and Tommy tilted his head to the side.

“And now he’s putting his balls on her forehead… um… riiighhht. I’ve got nothing,” he said, shrugging. “Other than to reassure you I doubt many guys jizz in their girl’s ears,” he said and Adam shook his head.

“And I thought I’d heard it all.” He snorted. “Can’t say much, I come across some really fucked up shit in porn. I mean, I seriously worried I’d never find anybody who stuck around because I was freaked out by most of the stuff I saw in porn before I started dating.” 

Ashley shrugged. “You’re hot and you have a big dick, if nothing else you’d probably be good fantasy material for a person who like’s boys,” she said and Tommy smirked.

“Besides, you can’t be THAT boring in bed, you’re really sexual on stage,” Tommy pointed out and Adam huffed.

“I don’t bottom pretty much ever, and most guys are versatile, and then I’m not into all the funny shit. Like orgies and weird sex toys and violent shit like whips and chains. Hell, I’m not into anything that involves a safe word.” Adam cringed. “Seriously, guys I sleep with are either really into it or totally disappointed in me.”

Ashley shrugged. “I think that’s anybody, really. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with vanilla if the guys you date are vanilla. I’m sure the ones who are really into you in bed are the types of guys who dig vanilla.”

Tommy shrugged. “I’ve never met a girl who really wanted anything too funky. Like, I had one that liked to tie me to the bed, but I never had one who wanted to break out the nipple clamps or something.”

Ashley hummed. “You know, I think I’m the odd one out, but the nipples just don’t do much for me,” she said, shrugging. “I’ve dated girls who go _crazy_ when you just barely touch hers but not me.”

Tommy snickered and smirked at Adam. “I found out by accident, but if Adam has a thing for-“

Adam’s eyes flew open and he flushed. “NO!” he cried, diving at Tommy, who batted his hands away, laughing when Adam tried to cover his mouth.

“Adam has-“

“I will kill you!” 

Tommy bit Adam’s hand and pulled his head aside. “Behind his ears!” he cried and Ashley grinned at Adam, who huffed, sitting up with a pout on his face. Tommy rolled his eyes. “Don’t pout-“

“You told!” Adam whined.

Ashley smirked. “And how did you find out that?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows at them.

Adam groaned. “Nothing like that, God.” He sighed. “Tommy was playing with my hair,” he said with a sigh. “He was twirling the hair behind my ears and I kept trying to think of how to make him stop without telling him what it did to me, and I couldn’t find the words, and I ended up getting happy in my pants,” he said and Tommy smirked.

“I made the sex god himself hard just by playing with his hair-“

“Oh fuck off, you are such a dick!” he said, crossing his arms, only to do a double take and bite his lip. “Uh, so, Ashley if you’re not into dicks, I’m pretty sure it’s time to end the sex ed session,” he said and Tommy and Ashley turned to see what he was talking about.

Tommy smirked. “Well now, the pizza delivery boy is delivering to a conveniently half-dressed muscly hunk,” he said and Ashley giggled.

“Nice, I can see even more about man-sex than with straight sex!” she said, turning to face the TV.

Tommy flopped on his belly. “Hell yeah you will. Twice as much dick!”

Adam just squeaked. “What?! You can’t be serious!” he hissed and Ashley raised an eyebrow at him. “I am not watching _porn_ with you two sitting here!” 

Tommy smirked. “Why, straight guys watch porn together, can’t tell me gay guys don’t too-“

“I’m NOT watching porn with anybody else!” Adam argued. “Seriously, it’s creepy!”

Ashley smirked. “Too bad, we’re watching,” she said, humming when the guy in only his low-slung jeans offered the pizza boy a ‘really big tip’.

Adam opened his mouth, closing it as his cheeks went pink. “But… but…” He glanced at the screen and tilted his head. “Huh, that’s- NO!” He flushed.

Tommy smirked. “Just shut up and watch it, Adam,” he said, not looking away from the screen.

Adam grumbled but turned to watch as the two men on the screen started stripping each other. Ashley tilted her head. “That’s hot,” she said, watching how the bigger one picked the pizza boy up, now fully naked, and sat him on the counter, pushing in between his legs to pull their body’s flush only to grab him under his knees and pick him up, carrying him out of the kitchen to the bedroom.

Tommy nodded. “I’m not really big enough or have small enough girlfriends to carry them to the bedroom and toss them on the bed, but it’s totally hot,” he said and Ashley grinned.

After a bit of touching and kissing and rubbing against one another, the big guy rolled onto his back and pulled the pizza boy on his lap, stroking him while he fingered him from a spot propped on the pillows. “Damn,” Ashley said, tilting her head. “Call me crazy, but the way that dude is positively dripping makes me doubt he’s faking it too much. And it’s _porn_ , they always fake it.”

Tommy grinned. “Shit, he seems to really like that. I’m sure he’s faking it some, but you don’t get that much precum before the main event without really liking what you’re getting,” he said, smirking. “Although, I can say it is really fucking awesome, so I don’t blame him,” he said and Ashley shot him a look.

“Oh yeah, your straight is like an iron rod, huh?” she asked and Tommy laughed.

“Straight guys like being fingered too! We just like girls to do it to us, not guys,” he said and Adam groaned, slapping himself in the face. Tommy glanced back and snickered when he saw how red Adam was behind his hand and notice the conveniently placed pillow on his lap. “What, the porn getting to you, Lambert?” he asked and Adam dropped his hand to glare.

“I’m a single, busy man and we’re watching really good gay porn! You cannot judge me for getting happy in my pants!” he hissed and Ashley grinned.

“Don’t worry, we’ve all seen your ‘happy’ before on stage, at least you’re not wearing skin tight pants this time,” she said and Tommy burst into giggles.

The giggles died out, however, as the men started fucking on the screen. They all watched and commented minimally, only to all get oddly silent when the home owner had the pizza boy held to his body with his hand splayed across his chest, the other stroking his erection as he fucked him hard and slow, kissing along his shoulder and throat while the pizza boy clawed at his forearms, eyes shut and mouth open in ecstasy.

“Dude…” Ashley said weakly. “That’s hot. I’m a total lesbian and I can officially say I need a cold shower when I leave here,” she said and Tommy hummed, chewing on his bottom lip as he watched with wide eyes, pupils blown. 

“Damn, all the gay porn I’ve seen before was kind of scary but that looks like one hell of a time,” he said and Ashley laughed breathlessly.

“Hell yes it does. God, I don’t even like dick and I kind of want some right now,” she said, earning a grin from Tommy, though his eyes never left the screen.

“Mmmm, as good as a few fingers are I bet that big dick feels so good,” he said in a darker tone.

Adam chuckled awkwardly. “This is really, really good porn,” he said and Tommy nodded in agreement. Adam swallowed thickly, rearranging the pillow on his lap, only to catch movement from the left as he looked up. He glanced over only to have his jaw drop as he noticed Tommy’s hips moving slightly against the bed. Adam groaned and slapped a hand over his eyes. “Okay, okay, really, this should end now. Before it gets even more embarrassing.”

“No way, I wanna see how it ends,” Ashley said and Adam scoffed.

“Even money says in orgasms,” he said and Tommy shushed them.

“Let’s see who comes first,” he said in a bright, excited voice that made Adam groaned and Ashley laugh.

“My money’s on the top,” Ashley said and Tommy grinned.

“Usually is the top, at least in most porn,” he said and Adam shot him a look.

“And exactly how much gay porn do you watch?!”

Tommy smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at Adam. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Tommy and Ashley both stared wide eyed at the screen, laughing when the bottom came first. “Fuck, we were wrong,” Tommy said, then stopped and hummed when the guy ripped off the condom and knelt so that he could fuck the other guy’s mouth, pulling out and jerking off until he came across the guy’s lips and tongue.

Ashley leaned back on one hand. “So tell me, what _does_ jizz taste like?” she asked, looking back at Adam, who was still flushed and tense. 

Tommy interrupted before Adam could gather his thoughts. “Well it depends on the person, but kind of like pussy but more bland,” he said and Ashley raised an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah, keep preaching your straightness,” she teased and Tommy grinned.

“Oh come on, any guy who says he hasn’t tasted his own is lying. You either get curious or kiss whoever just sucked your dick,” he said, shrugging. “Like I said though, I hear it’s different. Some dudes taste stronger and some are just like salt water or something.”

Ashley turned to Adam. “Let’s ask our resident dick-expert!” she said and Adam gaped.

“I am not a dick expert!” he defended, groaning. “God, you make me out to be a slut-“

Ashley scoffed. “You’re a West Hollywood gay man with serious hippy involvements in your past. You cannot convince me you aren’t into ‘free love’,” she said and Adam crossed his arms, pouting.

“I am not a slut,” he grumbled. “I may not be sex-less, but it isn’t like I’m engaging in groupie orgies all over the place! Hell, I’ve never even been in a threesome before! I don’t _want to_ ,” he added. “I may not have dated every guy I ever slept with, but it isn’t like I dropped acid and had orgies like in the seventies, dude. I like _not_ having STDs, thanks,” he said and Tommy grinned.

“Besides, you said you’re boring in the sack, if you had a buddy involved, the third person would distract from your shitty sex-“

“I’M NOT BAD AT SEX!” Adam whined and Ashley grinned.

“Alright, well I’m going to bed, you two continue to argue about Adam being a lousy fuck,” she said, earning evil laughs from Tommy and a glare from Adam.

Tommy hummed when she was gone, crossing his arms under his head as he laid flat on the bed. “I’m going to just sleep here,” he said and Adam glanced down at his pillow-covered lap.

“Um, you should probably go to your own bed,” Adam started and Tommy shrugged.

“Nah, I’m good here,” he said and Adam groaned.

“Tommy, really, maybe-“

Tommy laughed. “Adam, if you want some ‘Adam time’ the bathroom’s over there. I’m tired,” he said, nuzzling the bedspread. “Hell, if you don’t want to have to do it in the shower, go ahead, I’m not looking,” he said and Adam just gaped.

“Dude, I’m not jerking off with my best friend laying _two feet away_ ,” he hissed. “Are you crazy?!”

Tommy shrugged. “Not like dudes touring in vans don’t jack it one seat behind their buddies. Pretty sure my buddy Mark did it in the seat with me once, we were just in separate sleeping bags.”

Adam scoffed. “Fucking straight boys. Fine, whatever, I’m just tired anyways, I just figured you would like sleeping in your own bed,” he said, glaring at his traitorous dick as he tried to think of very unsexy things. He didn’t really want to go walking around getting ready for bed with a hard on.

Tommy snickered into the bed. “Hey, I’m not judging. Not like I’m not totally hard too right now, I’m just too tired to bother,” he said and Adam squeaked.

“Seriously?! You seriously think that helps? My God, you go talking about how much better being fucked than fingered would be, then you talk about _tasting your own cum_ , and now you’re talking about having a boner _on my bed_!” Adam hissed. “Please fucking stop saying shit like that, TommyJoe-“

Tommy smirked, eyes still shut. “Why Adam, I thought you got over the crush on me ages ago-“

“Yeah well you’re still hot and talking about gay sex _in my bed_ ,” Adam stressed.

Tommy sighed. “If I blow you will you go to sleep and leave me alone?” he asked and Adam’s jaw dropped.

“TOMMY!” he squeaked and Tommy smirked, opening one eye to look at him.

“Figured you’d like that one,” he said, then rolled his eyes, shoving himself to his knees. “Fine, fine, I’ll go and stop being the hot boy in your bed,” Tommy said, shuffling into his shoes beside the bed. He yawned. “At least some shut your damn door,” he said and Adam rolled his eyes, getting up to follow Tommy to the door.

“Look, I’m sorry, but really, you can’t expect me to get any sleep after watching the hottest porn I’ve seen in a long time when there’s a hot boy in bed with me. My brain would never shut up,” he said and Tommy turned back to grin up at him.

“I love that you still call me hot after all the years we’ve known each other,” he said and Adam rolled his eyes.

“Yeah well, relegating you to the ‘just friends’ part of my brain all that time ago didn’t stop making you beautiful, Glitterbaby,” he said and Tommy smirked, standing on his toes to press a small, friendly kiss to Adam’s lips. Adam smiled and caught his hip to help him balance.

“Mmmm, goodnight, Adam,” Tommy said, hugging him, only to grin evilly up at Adam as he pulled Adam’s hips flush, making Adam squeak and jerk away when he felt Tommy still hard against his thigh. “Sweet dreams, Babyboy!” he said, blowing Adam a cheeky kiss before turning to scuttle away before Adam could come after him.

Adam glared, leaning out the door to watch him go. “YOU SUCK, TOMMY!” he shouted, stomping back into his room, only to growl when he heard Tommy’s reply from halfway down the hall.

“TIME AND PLACE, DUDE!”


End file.
